x--Sapphire

***TRIGGER WARNING***

Hey guys!

Sorry for the long hiatus without explanation.

A lot has happened over the past few years. Firstly I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia (a chronic pain condition) and CFS/ME (chronic fatigue) two years ago. I found myself no longer able to do anything, not even the things I love. It only got worse from there. I started seeing doctors at least 1-2 times a week, and went on waiting lists for some specialists which I am yet still to see. I was born with spina bifida and I am very lucky that I am able to walk but all that could change in a few years as the nerve damage takes hold. My legs don't work like they used to anymore. I can't really feel them besides numbness, tingling and excruciating pain. I am lucky I can still walk and I am not complaining.

I have a ton of health/physical issues and disabilities which I won't go into detail about. But I will talk about my mental health. My mental health took a downward spiral after I had a fall from a horse which resulted in a neck fracture at age 17. I was no longer allowed to ride and it really hit me hard. I already had C-PTSD and severe depression from stuff that happened in my childhood. A few years ago I decided to try antidepressants, which triggered a manic episode that lasted until I got off them. From there I have cycled through mania and depression, but no one knew (not even myself) what was really happening, because I seem outwardly normal when I am around people due to social phobia. A little over a month ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1, C-PTSD, OCD, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia. For a whole week after my diagnosis, I went into a deep depression. I contemplated suicide, then I decided it was my only option and was planning out how I was going to do it. My mum made a phone call to the Crisis Assessment Treatment Team (CATT) and before I knew it, I was admitted into the psych ward. I was scared out of my mind but I knew I had to go in order to be safe. I spent the next almost 2 weeks in the psych ward. It was frustrating at times, scary at times and even fun at times.

Looking back now I am glad I did go, I would not be here if I didn't go. The psych ward is definitely not as bad as I thought it would be, and they were able to start me on the medication I needed as well as monitor me and keep me safe. I owe my life to the lovely nurses that helped me see that my life was worth living. I am forever grateful for the nurses and doctors that supported me through this time, as well as my psychologist and psychiatrist.

Now I am just trying to adjust to the medications they put me on, and just riding my mood swings until they calm down a bit. I know they will eventually. In the mean time I am doing my best and taking each day as it comes. I have just started to learn how to do watercolour paining (using watercolour pencils as well as watercolour pans). Art is really helping with my bipolar and I highly recommend that anyone who is bipolar or has any form of mental illness or intellectual disability should give art a go, even if you think you are bad at it! It's not about how good you are, its about being able to calm yourself and slow your mind down (which is often racing for me). I cannot stress enough how much it is helping me, even though I am a complete beginner and suck at it. I will probably upload pictures of what I have done, but hopefully I won't get any negative comments because those are not helpful. 

I still suffer from all the physical health and mental health issues, so don't expect too much from me. I am going to do my best to upload stuff from now on. I need to do the things I enjoy, to improve my life and mental health, so I will do my best!

I hope this wasn't too long to read and I hope some of the things I have said have helped at least one other person. Remember, you are not alone and there are people out there that love you, even if you don't know it.